“It ain't living what you're doing if it feels like dying"
For months now I've been having a problem sleeping. My body and mind feel totally shot at the end of the day but as soon as my head hits the pillow my mind kicks into overdrive. Running a million mikes in every direction. Up and down but mostly down. The mind has a way of haunting you, keeping you from the thing you need most to keep sane, sleep. After laying there for an hour or more I finally get up and go sit outside under the stars, drinking a glass of wine (or five.) I stare at the stars and I think. I think about my life, I think about the things that have created such a weight on my mind. It all pinpoints back to chasing my dream. I've invested so much into this "dream". Physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. Why? I don't know. Other than my soul keeps telling me too. It used to be so much fun, it's taken me to amazing places, I've met so many cool people and it's brought me so many fun times and wonderful memories. I made best friends with the people I was working with. And then somewhere down the line it got convoluted with seriousness and pressure. Pressure to perform, to deliver to make money. This is when it all changed... It was no longer fun. The creativity inside of me got sucked out, the passion decimated into frustration. I had big plans and my eyes shimmered with the grander of being successful and being able to make a living doing what I love, being able to live the life of my dreams and even setting up all my family so they didn't have to work themselves to the bone. I could see it all falling into place. Then, some things didn't happen the way I thought they would. Deals didn't fall into place the way they were supposed to and the stars didn't quite align the way I imagined they would. I fell flat on my face. Not once but over and over again. Then one day I woke up and felt like I was sitting in the bottom of a hole so deep I didn't know how to climb out of it. I didn't ever see it going this way. I had nothing but good intentions. So then I sit there at night under the stars asking why. Why am I here and how do I get out of this mess. It's depressing I won't lie. So much so it eats at me night and day. Even when my mind does let me sleep I dream about it, and then I wake up feeling like death just to rinse and repeat the same cycle over and over. My days and nights feel like a bad dream I can't wake up from. How the hell did this happen.. And what am I even doing. This isn't living. This definitely isn't thriving. What is this repeated motion of zombie like living I'm doing. ( as Ray Lamontagne so poetically said " it ain't living what your doing if it feels like dying." I won't lie, I have been in a bad place. Everything has seemed wrong, everything has seemed broken, everything has seemed unfixable. This morning as I was drinking coffee listening to the doves, I had a moment of clarity. Robert, what can you do right now to make it better? What if today was the only day you had left to live. And that’s when it became clear. That’s when I knew it was time. It was time to start living. I have to. I haven't lived perfectly and for some reason I saw it fit to learn every lesson the hard way, but this is me. I am flawed, but I am always trying and learning and refining...I can't turn back time even though sometimes I'd like to. The only thing I can do now is live. Live fully and freely and bravely. The only thing I can do is give what I have to offer, without reservation. To be a humble student, and whatever road that leads me down I am okay with that. I've tried doing things my way and now I have no choice but to surrender. Lead me, guide me, give me strength and perseverance. I have trust in you God. I will find my way home. Whatever it takes. Robert Dean
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